Listening

I am happiest when I am not judging what is right and wrong, who is good or bad, should I have done that or was it a mistake and why did ‘they’ do that. Even though I’ve been aware of the concept for ages, it’s a relatively new experience for me to focus on myself, my thoughts and especially my feelings, rather than project my opinions on others.

The environmentalist are angry at the consumers, the conservatives are angry at the liberals, everyone is spouting “we’ve got to fight for what is right.” Who is leading the band playing, “Let’s work together, let’s play together, let’s listen to one another without agenda?”

I can’t possibly know what someone is thinking, even those people I know most intimately. I can, however, set my own opinions aside for a brief time to hear someone else’s point of view. Then, after listening carefully and checking my understanding of their position with appropriate feedback, I can pause, FEEL, in my body, for what is true for me. I am either opened up to new possibilities or my beliefs are confirmed to be true for me. When I listen to another point of view, I am appreciative of the opportunity to understand myself more deeply. 

When I go about my day, my life, my experience, having considered where someone else is coming from, I am far more peaceful, than if I consider only my opposition to them. I long for peaceful days filled with peaceful conversations. I wholeheartedly believe the more we share our stories, the more we open our hearts, which leads to greater health.

When I share stories with people whom I agree with politically, spiritually or ethically I am enriched, enlivened. However, If I limit myself to conversations with likeminded people I rob myself of a full life experience and more importantly, I stunt my growth. I am missing out on the possibilities of relating with about half the population. Yes, those who agree with me reinforce my ‘rightness.’

I’m not interested in being right, defending, justifying or reinforcing my righteousness. I am far more interested in opening up, reaching out and being tender to myself. Connecting to another person brings me deeper into myself. I don’t need to agree or even understand someone else’s motives or ethics, but when I allow and accept differences, I feel peaceful. 

When I allow and accept others, as they are, without trying to change them, I realize it strengthens who I know myself to be. When I can come from love in my every endeavor, joy flows through me. I can love someone without agreeing with them. I can find some common need or desire with almost anyone. But it’s not easy to come from love if I am wanting them to be different than they are. 

If someone I care about is participating in something I believe is unhealthy for them, I want to talk about it. However, until I am willing to listen to them, without wanting to change them, fix them or correct their actions, its not a conversation, its dictation. People who feel they are under attack, can’t listen, they naturally need to defend themselves. Its not effective, not helpful, to tell someone to change. Communication which involves authentic exchange from both parties can resolve conflict and open the pathways to resolution of issues, leading to deeper intimacy and again I say healthier living. 

I anguished for several years trying to ‘help’ my sister. It was so easy for me to see what she needed to do to be healthier and happier. If only she would listen to me. When I stepped back and listened to her concerns, I allowed her to hear herself. Ideas to manager her health came from with in her. Motivation to take other actions, have other thoughts and feelings had space to bubble up inside her. She could drop her defensiveness because I wasn’t trying to dictate how to live her life. Similarly, when I stop to listen to my children, without offering advice, they amaze me with their problem solving abilities. Even though they don’t make the choices I would make, they own those choices and decisions. They are left with more confidence in themselves and I feel relief wash over me like a bubbling fountain.

In order to maintain this bubbling, flowing feeling I must remind myself moment-by-moment, not to get sucked into the drama swirling around me. Yes, its an inside job - I am responsible for me AND it seems to me that conversations with others is what helps to keep a desire alive. 

Novelist Richard Powers said, “The best arguments in the world won’t change a single person’s point of view. The only thing that can do that is a good story.” 

Film maker Ken Burns said, “A good story permits and tolerates that sometimes a thing and the opposite of a thing can be true at the same time.” Ken Burns

My current passion is sharing ideas and actions for the common good of all our global neighbors. I am committed to being a loving neutral observer, discerning when it might be beneficial to tell a relevant story, to further our understanding of those with different beliefs.